Thursday, February 4, 2010

Self Versus Reality: My Mission Statement

A great person and friend, Jovonna DuzyaRealliwanaariguez decided to my grace and great pleasure/chagrin to help me with the real-world task and obvious necessity of getting a job. That one (simple?) sentence alone should show well enough that I'm being a bit of a baby and presenting some minor yet still unfair and surely unwarranted hint of resistance. There's a lot that goes into my reasoning here, but I feel it's in my best interests to express this as simply as possible. So here I go - be sure to let me know that I'm being a baby through this process - I'm certainly not being what would be considered the social construct of an "Adult" - I quite obviously need a dose or two of reality.

Ugh, how to put this. 
Ok so Why am I being a little bitch? (ha) I want things for myself, surely. This year alone, I want to get a huge ass tattoo, I want the option of moving out to California, I want to travel - all these things require money. So naturally the 'working' part isn't my concern.. Its not the process of looking for a job, either. I've been burned (Badly) in my past on that front, surely. But I've always been superbly optimistic, if not full of confidence in my rather vast cloud of capabilities. I think it was when asked two specific and as you will see rather realistic and worldly questions that something inside of my chest soured to the whole task and mission:

1. List some organizations that you would like to work for..?
2. What is your 6 month/1 year goals/aspirations?

I guess the implication is that this whole process wouldn't at all bother me if either of those questions didn't exist. But when you see the two questions a third arises: "Why in the Fuck do they matter to me at all?" I feel more inclined to answer the 3rd thus far.

1. Well this is rather simple.. Maybe. I'm lazy. Ha! I thought about this. And it comes down to me not wanting to look around for companies that I'd like to work for.. I couldn't possibly care less - if I had my way I'd make enough money doing freelance and building my Own company to cover my living and playing and exploring expenses. Alas, this is not so. Therefore it matters not to me.. I think that that realization alone diminishes the value/concern of question #1.. 
I'll just get over that one and just find some list of places I that will provide what I seek in regards to employment: Freedom (ha), health coverage (?), and if not some means to express my creativity and/or individuality, then something that only needs me for the mundane tasks of typing shit, fixing technical problems, answering phones, etc. I can sell (well) but my heart and soul are Not there, anymore. And honestly, childish, foolish, naive or otherwise - I will not readily sell myself to some employ and lose all of the progress I've made mentally and spiritually, breaking myself and going against my Self, making someone else rich... Few things will I be more passionate about.

So, Question #2. In 6-12 months I don't foresee any progression in my 'real', financial, or social gains beyond that which comes from my personal, perspective-related, and spiritual growths. That's not to say that I have no ambitions. Or that I don't expect any changes in my life. Or that I intend to lazy about for the rest of my days.. Though I've few words to give to you any other respectable explanation. My life over this past month, alone has changed so absolutely and fully ('Full' in such a many different ways) and so beautifully. I'm brought to understand that which I've always been aware of for myself - that I will find my way, that though I will practice for Years upon many being lost and confused, whenever I find my way I will see, and I will Understand. I know in my heart of hearts that I am destined for Great things. I always have. My only problem of course in this real world of problems aplenty and desires amassed is that I have no clue what that "greatness" is or what it entails. Still, when I silence the world around me and look inside, I'm told, "Just wait and see; It'll all be clear; In time; You will soon see; I promise you, Cory, it'll come". 

I've had plennnntyy a hard time. I've moved around since I can remember. I've lost so many close ones. I've been destitute. I've been homeless. I've been heartbroken. I've been weak. I've been scared. I've been broken. And when I have Nothing at all else in this world, and I'm thinking and freaking out and scared shitless and full of distrust and hatred for myself and that goddamn message - doing everything in my power to ignore it and 'settle'.. or otherwise fight a tide of being that is just so much stronger than my mind and vessel - under the chaos of my battered mind and the ever-brutal world affecting it, the very same stream of reassurance remains.. As profound as any truth, spoken or not. As soothing and unswayed as the omniscient Universe..

A point always comes, eventually. No matter how worldly or mystical the trial. No matter how dyer or minuscule the the circumstances. There Always has come a point where things get better, and I'm So much bigger and better for the struggle. For all the time spent confused, dazed, lost, looking down roads I've never seen and up at signs I don't expect to recall, I come out of that maze with a fuller sense of Self, my surroundings, and my Way.. And with the most polite, sincere and beautiful smile my heart says: "See? I told you so..." I've just so very recently experienced these words again, after the hardest list of ordeals I have ever experienced in all of my thus-far short life. I am alive. I am more alive than I have ever been. I am free - freer than ever, as well. I am ok - I'm happy.. As was and is always promised.

That's my belief. That's my religion.. My Self. And as with most fools who believe in anything, the real world takes a back seat, sometimes. That voice inside is telling me to remain patient and take this year to grow, to Listen, to evolve as a person. To Love. And that all the greatness that is destined to me is somewhere along my way......

Bringing it alllllll back, that's why Question #2 is a problem - that "bullshit" I just spewed means nothing in a real world, but Everything to me. And I still need a job. lol. So there's my conundrum..

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